It’s Saturday night. Hubby and I are streaming an old episode of Eight is Enough, a show from way back in the day.
The story line is about a single mom who gets pregnant on purpose to spite her parents. A family with eight kids takes in the young mom because she has nowhere to go. The last scene shows the dad of eight at her side, helping her through the birth of her daughter. Tears floods my eyes. And a buried desire stirs in my heart.
Half an hour later, I lie down to sleep, but can’t. Instead, I am weeping. I’m thinking about the baby in the show and how God has not met the longing in my heart for more children. I am grateful for my two boys and yet I feel as though our family is not complete.
Regret takes over my mind and I cry harder. I wish Scott and I would have started our family sooner. I should have prayed more; I did not pray much in the early years of our marriage. I should have taken better care of myself. On and on, my mind searches for the answers my heart wants to know. I can’t be comforted.
So begins my discourse with God. “Why do you allow children to be born into families who don’t want them? And families who are not equipped to care for them? There are many good families who want children but can’t have them. I don’t understand! Why, God? Why? There are people who have aborted babies. Others who are shacking up with their partners. And they are able to have babies. One after another. With no problems whatsoever. On the other hand, there are married couples who are still waiting to have a child or more children. Yet, you seem to have turned a deaf ear to their (our) prayers. It doesn’t make any sense to me! Why, God? Why?
The more I question, the more I hurt. So my husband prays for God to help me understand his plans for our family. I am comforted by his thoughtful prayers. And sleep comes to my weary eyes. I am hopeful or an answer from God tomorrow.
Morning comes and we make the trek to church. God greets me straight away as we sing; the lyrics says, I (God) have not forsaken you. Thank you God! Next, our Pastor speaks about the suffering of Jesus and how it can help us accept the things we don’t understand.
Jesus suffered. Yet, he accepted his suffering and death on the cross as part of God’s plan, to save humanity from sin’s penalty of death. I pondered this truth and absorbed it into my spirit. If Jesus can accept God’s plan for his life, I can accept God’s plan for my life also.”
I am comforted and encouraged because God saw me hurting. And he answers my questions, giving me hope to continue trusting in his plans. I don’t understand why God answers some prayers and not others. Why he intervenes in some circumstances and not all of them.
My finite mind cannot grasp the purposes of God. For his ways are not my ways. I can’t see everything God does from beginning to end, so I can’t possibly understand his plans. It is His business not mine, why he answers some prayers favorably and not others. It’s up to him to intervene when and where he wants. Who am I to question his decision to bless some and not others? I don’t get to decide who is worthy of God’s mercy. I am not God!
One thing I know for certain; as long as I live on this earth, I will have questions for God. But I won’t let questions stump me. I won’t give up following God and trusting in him. I will continue to seek him with all my heart. And learn to accept his plans for my life. I will trust God to work all things, pleasant and unpleasant, for my good because I love him. Even when I can’t understand them.