Just Enough Light

I love sunlight. Even as a kid, I loved seeing and feeling the sun’s warmth. It makes me happy and gives me hope of better things to come. God uses sunlight to help me feel close to him. It is my reminder that God’s presence is always near. Especially in times of struggle. One such time was when I became a mom in 2008.

Three years I prayed for a child. I should be happy. Instead, I feel indescribable sadness. Post-partum depression is becoming my daily companion. I don’t want to get up in the morning and face the same day again. How long will I feel this way?

I want to enjoy my son, but I can’t. I resent his neediness because it is interrupting my marriage and my life. I am a horrible mom. I want to feel love for this little one God has given me, but I feel regret. I miss the carefree life I left behind. I secretly wish things can be the way they were and feel guilty for having such thoughts. I grieve for the things I lost in becoming a mom. I ache to be mobile, independent, and normal again. I cry spontaneously. And I can’t stop.

Depression is stealing my joy. I plead with God for strength to make it through the long days and wisdom to deal with the daily unknowns. Mostly, I want reassurance that my life will return to normal because I am familiar and comfortable there. I know what to expect in the old life. I fear losing control of my life and myself.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t control my son’s schedule. I can’t control feelings of sorrow and loss. I feel hopeless. “God, if you don’t come through for me in a big way, I will not make it. I need a visible sign that you are with me.”

A few days later, God responds. It is a late March morning and I’m sitting in my mother-in-law’s rocking chair feeding my son. I decide to make a special request of God. It feels odd; I ask him anyway.DSC01154

“Father, can you give me just enough sunlight today so I know you are with me? Then, I will be able to hang on for another day and not lose hope.”

At lunchtime, I clean bottles and prepare fresh ones for the afternoon feedings. Suddenly, I feel warmth on my face. Closing my eyes, I lift my face towards the window above the sink to soak in the sun for a few minutes before snow clouds covers it. Just then, I remember my conversation with God earlier. Tears flow down my cheeks. Thank you, Father! I asked to see the sun and you pushed the clouds back to show me its light!

For the first time in weeks, I didn’t just survive the day, I went through it with a glad heart. The sun didn’t come out again the rest of the day, but its light had pierced through my depression. God brought just enough light to give me hope that things will get better.

As my head hit the pillow late this night, I am thankful for the sunlight God gave me today. Closing my eyes, I remember his warm embrace as the sun greeted me through the kitchen window. Still in disbelief at how God came through for me, I wonder if He would do it again tomorrow. With hesitation……I ask, “Father, will you give me a glimpse of the sunlight again tomorrow? I can keep at this mothering job if I know you are with me.”

I wake up with anticipation but also trepidation, uncertain of how God will respond. Was my request selfish? Will he do it again?

Around lunchtime, my answer came. Once again, my plea reaches God’s ears. Through the darkest snow clouds, the sun peaks out. God is giving me just enough light to let me know He is near. I smiled, knowing I can get through this day because God is with me.

I made it through the last few weeks of winter and the next winter with the same little prayer. No matter how dreary and cloudy the day, God continued to bring just enough light to remind me he is near. His presence in the glimpses of the sun encouraged me when I was stuck in the house, isolated from the world. He helped me persevere and gave me hope that I will grow into my mom role, by his strength and with his wisdom.

Friends, I don’t know what you are battling in this season of life. One thing I do know; God wants to help you because he loves you. When you put your faith in him, He will come through for you in a big way like he did for me.

God hears you. He is waiting for your request. He is near to you. He will give you just enough of what you need to help you make it through each day. Because He wants to give you hope of better things to come.

Don’t wait any longer. Come to God. Make your request. And receive the help you need.

About Phuong K Schuetz

I am a wife, momma of boys, home school educator, and God's Real Girl who is passionate about helping girls and young women embrace their uniqueness, know their worth, and find their life's purpose from God. I love sunsets, nature, Starbucks, and dark chocolate. Just like that 😉.
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