It is March 2008 and I’m taking on the hardest job I’ve ever had in my life. My new position and title? Full time mom.
I have been waiting nearly three years for a sweet baby. My heart and arms are eager to love and hold my miracle from God. I am confident my new role will fit me well and have no concerns whatsoever. I think I’m ready for the job………until my firstborn arrives.
Isaiah takes his time entering the world and keeps me in labor past 36 hours. I want to experience natural childbirth, but he comes by emergency C-section. I look forward to bonding with him through nursing, but we are working against each other so formula feeding it is.
A few days later, we settle in at home. Jaundice further limits our bonding time as the bilirubin blanket holds baby boy tight instead of me. I have terrible bruising from the surgery and it hurts to sneeze, cough, sit, walk, stand, lie down, or do anything. It is impossible to find a comfortable position. Pain keeps me awake and so does the feeding cries every three hours on the dot.
Speaking of time, the hours on our tax season clock drags for another month and a half. Each morning, I dread hubby leaving for his twelve plus hours work day. A tax widow is who I am, day after day until April 16.
Turns out I’m not ready to be a mom! Give me my daytime job back, please! The one where I get paid and have adult interaction. I don’t know how to do this mom job. How do I care for this child of my prayers? I don’t want to be bound to the house, but where will I go with no vehicle, a baby, and winter lingering on? I want my old life back! I’m losing control of my schedule and my life. And I’m going mad!
Post-partum depression is coming, I can tell. I cry for no reason all day long. I am hopeless and crazy with my yo-yo emotions. I feel guilty for not being happy and enjoying the answer to my long awaited prayers. Sensing something is amiss, I seek counseling to understand the turmoil within. Thankfully, my craziness is hormonal and temporary! But I still feel like a horrible mom for losing precious moments with Isaiah. Motherhood pulled me out of my orderly life. Who knew I had control issues? Through a cuddly baby, God helps me see the foolishness of thinking I have control over anything at all!
Fast forward nine years and my full-time mom job is still incredibly hard! I’ve made it this far with my sanity intact only by God’s grace and with his help. Prayer is the backbone holding me together when mothering demands more than my human ability can supply. Strength and wisdom has been the plea of my heart as I come before the Father daily for and about my children. Graciously, God has been faithful to provide me with both.
So I’ll keep coming to him, until my mothering days are done. For I know the years ahead will require an exorbitant amount of strength and wisdom, to guide my boys towards the way of gallantry, faithfulness, and godliness. Until one day, they become men who run hard after God above all else.