Dying to Live a New Life

img_0912This is a picture of me at my lowest state and heaviest weight, when my life detoured onto the self-destroying path of sin. It was not a life I intentionally chose, but it was the life I found myself in after being dumped by my so-called friend.

It is the last day I will ever see him.  He comes bearing gifts of groceries to ease the guilt of abandoning me. He thinks I can bury my heartache in it. He says he feels bad for me.

I cry hard all day. My spirit is crushed. I don’t love him, but his rejection hurts because I have been abandoned.

So, I eat the food he leaves me. I hide in my dorm room and devour the food, one thing after another. Then, I spit it out. I can’t keep it down for some reason. It is disgusting and leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Getting rid of it makes me feel better. I stop eating normal meals. Instead, I stash junk foods, binge in secret, and let nothing stay in my body.

Every day I feel ugly, fat and worthless. No one knows my pain. I hate the woman I see in the mirror and want badly to be someone else. I tell myself to forget the past, to start fresh. How did I get here?

My struggle with food continues although I am hiding it well. Nights are the hardest. The silence is unbearable. I weep and want to die. I hate who I have become. My life is a waste. I feel it is better to die than to live this way. God, I don’t want to live anymore!

Daylight gives me hope. I go to chapel every spare chance and ask God for forgiveness. I want him to make me clean. I want to change, but I can’t. Please help me  God! Bring me a guy who will be gentle and kind. Someone who will love me.

For two long years, I lived a desperately lonely life. I knew it wasn’t the life God wanted for me. Yet, I didn’t know how to stop living it. Much of the time, I wanted to die more than I wanted to live. It wasn’t until I loathed the promiscuous life enough to want it dead, that I began to dream about a new and better life.   

About Phuong K Schuetz

I am a wife, momma of boys, and home school educator. My passion is to help people live their best life and maximize their created potential by pointing them to their Creator. I am a sunset chaser who loves God's wonders in nature. Starbucks and dark chocolate make me smile 😊. I'm a work in progress; mind, body, and soul. Authenticity is my way of life.
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2 Responses to Dying to Live a New Life

  1. Gerry Swartzfager says:

    Thanks for sharing your deep thoughts. Know that we all have struggles but God is so gracious to lead us to himself. Love you Phu


    • Phuong K Schuetz says:

      Hi Gerry! Thanks for the note :). I share to help those who are still lost. I am not the same woman. Praise God!!! He is a great redeemer!!!


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