A Story of Chaos and Darkness

I love a good ending to every story I read. Who doesn’t? We all want to see good prevail over evil and wrongs made right because it gives us hope. But every battle for good and right is fierce. Chaos and darkness have to play its part before the light comes to cut through the blackness and restore order.

If you want to hear such a story, come with me into my past. But leave your judgments behind because there will be dirty deeds and scandalous acts to uncover. It is written not to shock or boast, but to show the foolishness of a young woman who was alone, afraid, and lost.

It’s evening and I’m in my dorm room with my friend. I think he is genuine, instead he takes advantage of my naivety and robs innocence from me. My head is spinning. I don’t know what to do. He mumbles something about he can’t help himself before leaving my room.

Still in shock, I call a friend. Feeling ashamed and awkward, I tell him in as few words as possible what happened. He doesn’t respond right away. “I don’t want to hear about it,” my friend says and hangs up.

I lie in bed crying, afraid to get up or call anyone else. Maybe I’ll go to the medical facility across the street tomorrow and talk to someone. But who’s going to believe me? It’s my fault for being naïve and stupid. I better keep this to myself.

Classes keeps me busy and I try not to think about the incident. I feel guilty, dirty, and ashamed. Why was I so stupid? God, help me please!

This whole thing is my fault so I’ll just have to stay with him and marry him. If he becomes my husband, I won’t have to feel shame and guilt. I talk myself into this idea. He doesn’t know my plan but keeps coming around. I try to make myself love him. But I can’t look at him without feeling disgusted.

He never wants to be seen in public with me. One night I find out he is engaged to a girl back home. He tells me he loves us both, but it is the end of spring semester and he leaves me. He says he has to do right by his fiancée. I’m relieved, but I feel abandoned and rejected. He has no use for me anymore. He doesn’t love me. I am worth nothing. I have nothing. I am nothing.

So begins my desperate search for love and worth in all the wrong people and things. All the while, crying desperately to God and certain he is not listening because of how I am living.

About Phuong K Schuetz

I am a wife, momma of boys, and home school educator. My passion is to help people live their best life and maximize their created potential by pointing them to their Creator. I am a sunset chaser who loves God's wonders in nature. Starbucks and dark chocolate make me smile 😊. I'm a work in progress; mind, body, and soul. Authenticity is my way of life.
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