Last week, I shared a dark season in my life when I believed suicide was the only answer to my mess.
Come back with me in time now because I want you to know my story. A drama is always long winded, so get comfy and lend an empathetic heart.
It is my junior year at Penn State and I still feel lost on a campus of 40,000 plus. I haven’t declared a major and have no clue what I want to do with my life. This isn’t a surprise, since I have always been unsure of myself.
I am enjoying college life as best as I can. Dorm life feels nice. I have freedom that isn’t available at home. I wish I could make friends, but it’s hard because I’m shy and I feel awkward being me. Year three on campus and I don’t have many close girl friends. The guys seem eager to be friends, but my brother warns me, “They don’t just want to be friends so stay away from them!” He’s older so I trust him, but I make friends with them anyway.
I’m meeting Vietnamese guys and this is good because I want to marry one someday. A couple of the guys like me, I can tell. But they annoy me because they’re trying too hard to get me to like them. I don’t want to hurt their feelings so I talk to them as a friend. They ask me to dances and I decline in a round-about way because I don’t like to be mean.
At one of our Vietnamese Club social, I meet a different Vietnamese guy that just wants to be “friends”. For some reason, he doesn’t annoy me and I don’t mind talking to him. His dorm is behind mine and I see him different times in the dining hall. We mainly talk on the phone about school. He asks me to study with him in the evenings and I accept. He is a nice guy and I like that he wants to study together.
A month passes and we are still meeting up to study. As with other nights, he walks me back to my dorm after we finish studying at the library or empty classroom buildings. We are talking in the TV lounge and he asks if my roommate is home. He wants to see my room so I invite him up. He is my friend and my roommate won’t mind if he stops in to check out our room. So we head up the elevator to my room and I opened the door. Well, my roommate must be out studying with her boyfriend…again. I’ll just let my friend look at the room and then walk him down to the first floor because male guests have to be escorted in a female dorm.
I’m hitting the pause button here. Let’s go back to present day.
That night, my friend took advantage of my honest and trusting heart. I did not consent to his wishes and he did not honor mine. What I was saving for my future husband, he snatched away for a few minutes of pleasure. This was the beginning of my darkness, but it was not the end of my story. God had a different story line. One filled with loss and sorrow, but also full of hope and triumph.