All We Have is the Present

20180307_171336Ten years flew by just like that. People told me it would happen. I just didn’t believe them.

March 8, 2008 was the beginning and the end for me. It was my entrance into motherhood and exit out of the “paid” working world. What an unpredictable ride it has been in the past decade!

Isaiah turns ten today, and he is taking it harder than I am! He was sitting in my writing nook yesterday, deep in thought. “What’s on your mind hon?” I asked. He answered, “Oh, I’m just thinking about all I want to do on my last day being 9. I won’t be in the single digits anymore after tomorrow night.”

The boy knows how to make his momma tear up :(. So, I gave him an extra school day off to enjoy his last day being 9. What can I say? I’ve mellowed a bit since his kindergarten days :).

Isaiah’s thinking stirred my thinking too. His single digit years blurred through my mind. I thought of how I could have done things differently.


If there is one thing I regret most as a mom, it’s being too hard on my boys. Especially on my firstborn. My controlling tendencies combined with a bent towards structure and organization has its side-affects. Unfortunately, Isaiah has been on the receiving end of my madness. I’ve come to expect more from him than his age can handle. I should have relaxed more and be present in the moment, to enjoy each phase of his life instead of rushing his maturity. How I wish I could rewind and re-do the last 9 years! I’d definitely push less and love way more. But, all I have is the present.

And in the present is where I’ll begin. Thankfully, God has opened my eyes to see the errors of my youth. It’s what happens when He is a part of your life. You talk to him and he helps you out. He gently corrects you and shows you how to align your failed practices with his right way of doing everything. His grace helps you let go of stubborn, harmful habits and gives you the encouragement to do things significantly better. God continues to show me the essential thing is to love my family by being present in the present. He’s helping me to focus on loving, instead of hyper-focusing on trivial things like order and control.

So with each passing age, I’m learning a simple truth: All I have is the present. I’ve failed many times as a mom, but I can’t live in the past. I can learn from my failures without replaying mistakes to beat myself up over and over. And I can’t worry about how I will mess up the boys with my blaring issues still beckoning work. The future in not in my control. But, I can influence the present in a positive and healthy way as I allow God to work in me to change unfruitful habits.

Isaiah and Caleb

All I have is the present. I can be present to guide, to teach, to nurture, to love. I can be present for and with my sons. Because the present is really all I have. For the past is gone and the future is not guaranteed.

All we have is the present. Literally. Moment by moment. Even in the mundane.

How fitting of God to bring the following verse to my mind as we celebrate our ten year old today ❤. From the book of Isaiah chapter 43 in the Bible, God tells us to forget the former things and not to dwell in the past. He says, “See, I am doing a new thing!” Friends, God is doing a new thing for us in the present! If we beat ourselves up over past mistakes and are consumed about what will happen next, we can’t be present in the now. And if we can’t be present, we can’t enjoy our present life as we should. We will miss out on precious…present….moments which can never… brought back.

Therefore, I encourage you to live as if all you have is the present. Because the present IS truly all you have!





Posted in Christian Living, Daily Life, Family, Love, Motherhood, Parenting | 2 Comments

Can’t Keep Up With the Joneses

20180227_204303This picture is the best depiction of my confused and scattered state from keeping up with the Joneses. I never thought I’d be keeping up. It wasn’t a materialist kind of keeping up, but still superficial and just a tad hypocritical for a woman who calls herself a follower of Jesus Christ. Yuck :(.

It began with a desire to improve as a writer and progressed to me building a platform for such writing. If you want to make a name for yourself in the world of writers, it’s what you do. You build. And you do what it takes to get your name out there among the myriad of writers. You work to get followers and subscribers because they are the ones who will supposedly get you where you want to be. Known. Successful. Published.

There’s a story in the Bible which parallels mine. The book of Genesis, chapter 11 tells about a people who were building the tower of Babel high into the sky to make a name for themselves. They used their own methods and materials thinking it would make them famous. Because of their pride, God confused them by giving a different language to each one. Consequently, they became confused and scattered. Not able to understand one another, they stopped building.

This was where I found myself, in trying to keep up with the Joneses. I became confused about the purpose of my writing. My thoughts and ideas were scattered because I stopped listening to God and began mimmicking people.

It started when I joined a faith-based writing community in 2016 to sharpen my craft. I wanted to be more effective at communicating the lessons I had learned from God to encourage others. The resources were helpful and my writing did improve. But, I felt constant pressure to apply what I was learning in order to keep up with other writers. I feared missing out on opportunities to make it as a writer if I wasn’t putting every learned skill to use.

I succumbed to “social” pressure and began building a name for myself. I became more interested in attaining followers than in following God. Like a robot I stopped using my brain, and began copying the patterns of people, working exhaustively to keep up with the Joneses of the writing world. As a result, I got confused and scattered about what and why I was building.

Pressure. Pressure. Pressure. The pressure to succeed as a writer was my driving force. I was overwhelmed with information overload. In the past, I just wanted to write for God. I was passionate about sharing words of encouragement and hope. In keeping up with the Joneses, I forgot my purpose for writing.

I exhausted efforts trying to write as often as I could. I convinced myself I was doing it for God. In reality, I was doing it for myself. And the worst part is, I neglected my family in the process. I’ve missed out on quality and quantity time with my guys. Time I will never, ever get back.

God had been nudging me to stop. Unfortunately, I ignored him and forged ahead with my own plans. And He let me be for a while. But not without consequence.

I got more and more pressed for time every day. I couldn’t focus on any task at hand. I’d be thinking about the next thing I wanted to do while half-heartedly doing what was required of me in the present moment. I felt trapped into doing the same thing I had always done because I had invested so much time into building my writing. At the time, my passion to write felt more like a curse than a gift.  But, shifting gears and changing methods meant wasted time and effort. And even worse, it felt like I was giving up.

About mid-December 2017, I finally stopped to consider where I was headed. Do I want to continue on the road of distress and discontent? Or, do I want to stop building myself and let God build me.

So, I gave myself permission to give up. But I didn’t give up on writing or on building my skills. I just gave up my plans, my ideas, and my ways in exchanged for God’s plans, his wisdom and his ways. Oh, and I gave up the subtle ways I had been working to keep up with the Joneses too.

You see, the fear of missing out on making it as a writer had me hyper-focusing on what other writers were doing. I pressured myself to constantly produce in order to keep up. When I wasn’t writing, I was thinking about what I should be writing. It was an exhausting way to live and I’m glad God put some sense into me to stop before I fell apart completely. Since then, I’m learning that there are times when giving up is better than continuing in the same wrong direction and creating even more waste.

Once I let God lead, I haven’t felt the need or have the desire to keep up with other writers. He has taken away my fear of missing out and given me his peace. My love of writing and my passion to encourage the hurting has returned. I trust God will use the words he inspires me to write however, whenever, wherever, and in whatever capacity he chooses. Even if I never get hundreds or thousands of followers and likes, I’ll still write. Because God has put words in me to encourage, and doing so gives me the satisfaction of a life lived with purpose.

No more burning the candle at both ends trying to write when my body needs rest. I’ve eliminated distractions by intentionally becoming a social media misfit. This removes the temptation for me to compare and keep up with what others are doing. I’ve been able to give full attention to my boys during school time and I’m not distracted from my family during mealtime because I’m choosing not to keep up with other writers. I get outside more, to play and enjoy God’s world, instead of burying behind my computer every spare moment. The trade-offs are a no-brainer. For what does it matter if I gain followers and fame, but lose joy and satisfaction in the process, because I’ve neglected my God and the family he has given me to love and enjoy?

Dear ones, there is no need to keep up with the Joneses in any area of your life. Romans 11:29 says, God’s gifts and calling for you are irrevocable. No one and nothing can take away what He has made you to do. Ecclesiastes 3:11 is our reminder that in His time, God will make us and our work beautiful as we continue to follow his lead. He promises to be our light and shield; showing favor and honor to us as we do life his way (Psalm 84:11). And this my friends, is why we do not need to keep up with the Joneses!

Posted in Change, Christian Living, Purpose | Leave a comment

Rethinking Lent: Giving of Myself

20180219_151915I began fasting for Lent a few years ago and have always given up something in order to remember how Jesus gave his life for me.

I planned to give up sweets this year as in recent years. But as I pondered my decision, I asked myself whether I am fasting for me or for God? I have never asked this question, so it took some soul searching to get an honest answer.

The truth of it is, I have always given up something outside instead of within myself. Fasting from things like TV, social media, food, and technology has helped me kick some unhealthy and unwanted habits. However, it has become self-serving because I tend to focus on me rather than on God. I’m merely giving up something outside of myself and not giving of myself for God.

With this decision, I’m learning that giving of myself takes fasting to a whole new level and demands more from me than I can give on my own. It requires a leaning on Jesus for strength. The focus has shifted from me to the God I want to remember during Lent. I’m fasting from the self-focused, me-first way of thinking that orders my day.

There are many things I can give up for Lent, but this year I’m giving of myself to God instead of giving up something. And I’m doing it by giving of myself to my family, the priority God has assigned me for such a time as now. I’m giving of myself to:

  • Be present in the day-to-day moments and fully focused on how I can serve rather than be served.
  • Speak kind and gentle words consistently, even when I’d rather not.
  • Put others first (specifically the ones under my roof) by letting go of the desire to be in control of the trivial details in my day.
  • Yield to my husband’s leadership (this is no easy task for my strong-willed personality!) and build him up daily with words of affirmation.

Rethinking Lent means giving of myself to God instead of giving up something. Throughout Lent and beyond, I pray God will form new habits in me which will stick permanently going forward. I want the habit of being like my Savior and master, Jesus Christ, who gave of himself for me and for all of humanity. I’m giving of myself to remember his sacrifice. I’m giving of myself to honor him and thank him. I’m giving of myself because I love him and because he is worthy of all I can give him.

Most importantly, I’m giving of myself with the hope that the change in me will be contagious. I want my expressions of God’s love and kindness to spread and infect the world around me so many lives will be changed for the better.

How about you? Will you rethink Lent and give of yourself for God? I hope you will! Let’s give it a go and see what God does for, in, and through us! We can change lives for the better with God’s love and kindness. But change has to begin within us. The time is imminent. We have been given life for such a time as now. May God’s love and kindness flow through us to others for the changing of many lives as he changes us from the inside out :).

Posted in Change, Christian Living, Family, Growth & Maturity | Leave a comment

Just One Small Step

IMGP3060Last week I made one small step. It was an act of obedience to God. Since then, it feels like I’ve experienced a lifetime of freedom. I wish I’d done it much sooner. Here’s the back story.

I had been running low on fumes for a long while, trying to be every woman. I believed I could be a good wife and mom, a great teacher to my boys and an established writer. Surely, I can do it all. This is the message I receive at every turn. Women are strong. We can multitask. We can do anything and everything we set our minds to.


Well, you know what? This woman can’t do it all. I don’t have it in me to be every woman. Yes, I can be a wife, a mom, a homeschool teacher, and a writer. But I can’t do it all adequately. I can’t give my best or my all to each role. It’s not womanly or humanly possible. I’ve tried my hardest for a very long time. How foolish of me to think I can pull it off!

After working twenty plus months to develop my writing while homeschooling my sons and making feeble efforts to work on my marriage, I came to the end of my weary self. I was just plain tired. Tired of exhausting efforts towards many things without making real progress at anything. My inadvertent path to be every woman led to failure. I couldn’t even succeed at being one of those women :(.

The upside of failure is, you come to know yourself better. God uses your flops to grow you up. And when you have Him in your life, coming to the end of yourself is a good thing because you know he’ll be there, waiting to catch you. For God is merciful. He’ll steer you in the right direction. You need only take one small step and he’ll show you what to do.

So I took one small step. I knew it was time to make some trade-offs. I didn’t want to be every woman any longer. I couldn’t. My mind and body was done. It was at this critical juncture that I asked God to help me eliminate the non-essentials. I was ready to grow up.

Now growing up means you have to forego your way of doing things. For me, this means removing things that were hindering my personal and spiritual growth because I am not mature enough to manage them in this season. Of course I dragged out the decision and resisted God’s nudging. But eventually, I listened to him and eliminated a couple things from my schedule (so far):

  • Connection to an on-line writing community
  • A Facebook writing page

I thought these two things were beneficial because they would contribute to my writing passion and purpose from God. But they have been a time killer, a joy breaker, and a peace robber for me because I still have plenty of growing up to do. I have allowed it to consume me and deplete my time. Since I’ve taken this one small step, I have been set free in too many ways to share in this writing.

Who knew taking one small step could lead to a lifetime of freedom? Literally. Freedom from the busyness of building and writing so I can focus on what truly matters; quality and quantity time with Jesus and my family. I have been neglecting both for way too long. And also freedom from past wounds that has prevented me from living true to the person God created in me. You see, I’ve been hiding my real design by making decisions from a place of insecurity because of those unattended wounds.

This growing up business is incredibly freeing! I’ve been enjoying relaxed time with my guys and making their bellies happy with real meals instead of rushing to throw anything together last minute. How I wish I had taken this one small step sooner! It’s so amazing, I must share the goods with you!

It’s simple, yet so profound. God wants to free you from busyness so he can show you why you’ve made and continue to make the choices you do in life. He wants you to understand the deeper reasons for your daily pursuits. God wants to set you free so you can live a life true to the person he created in you (we’ll dig deeper into these issues next time).

Your freedom begins with one small step of obedience. But be on guard. Obedience always feel awkward and at odds with what you know. It feels unsettling and risky. You feel out of control. You’re likely to believe you are a quitter, so you’ll resist obeying at first. But be persistent! Be courageous! Take that one small step!

Don’t think of your one small step as giving up on your goals or dreams. Because giving in to God is not giving up! You’re just being rerouted to a better way. God redirects you for your good. He is loving towards you. So don’t be afraid dear ones. Obey God in what he is showing you and you’ll discover a lifetime of freedom! I guarantee you’ll wish you had done it much sooner!

Posted in Christian Living, faith, Freedom, Growth & Maturity, Purpose, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

What I learned in 2017



  • My very best effort fails without God.
  • Your passion is a curse if it is pursued out of God’s timing.
  • Don’t pursue your dreams and forget God, the dream giver.
  • I should care more about what God says about me than what people think of me.
  • Always talk to God before pursuing anything.
  • My goal is life is not to get more people to like and follow me.
  • My highest aim should be to honor God in everything.
  • I may be physically present, but mentally and emotionally checked out.
  • I can be selfish and prideful.
  • I can do many things half-heartedly. But I can only do a few things well.
  • My biggest support comes from the most unexpected people.


  • Since there are no perfect people, there is no perfect church.
  • It is rare to find a genuine Christian.
  • “Christians” can be unkind.
  • There are hypocrites inside and outside the church.
  • Instead of judging and criticizing, pray hard.
  • Things are not always as they appear.


  • The cure for comparison is to stay away from things that tempt you to compare.
  • Many say they are a friend, but who can find one who is reliable? – Proverbs 20:6
  • Make allowances for each other’s faults and forgive often. – Colossians 3:13
  • Love does not insist on its own way. – 1 Corinthians 13
  • I should consider my husband’s input. His insight is valuable and helpful.
  • My husband’s deep love for God makes me love him all the more.
  • I need to cherish my husband.
  • Mid-life crisis is real! But you can get through it if you stay close to God.
  • Just because something feels good and right doesn’t mean it is right and good.
  • It’s okay to let go of those who are bad for your health.
  • I can’t help those who think they don’t need help.


  • People use the term “I love you” very loosely.
  • I can do my part to live at peace with everyone. – Romans 12:18
  • Keep giving kindness to the least appreciative and the most undeserving.
  • Don’t do what everyone is doing. Even if they are Christians. Conform only to God.
  • I still have many issues to work through to be mentally whole.
  • I am a great sinner, but God’s mercy is greater.
  • I don’t know as much as I think I do.
  • I still have much to learn about God and his world.
  • I need help every day to be committed to doing life God’s way.
Posted in Daily Life, faith | 2 Comments

Faith in What We Don’t See

KODAK Digital Still CameraIt’s eleven o’clock Thursday night. I should be snuggled in bed. Instead, I’m trying to think up the right words and remember the perfect story to encourage you towards faith in Jesus.

The truth is, I’m writing this for me just as much as for you. At this hour, I need encouragement to keep believing in God. My faith feels a bit like a rubber band stretched to its breaking point. It isn’t because I doubt God’s ability nor his willingness to intervene in my present circumstance. I know He has the power to act on my behalf and I do trust in His good heart, for I’ve witnessed it in times past.

It’s having faith in this moment and how my current situation will work out that is tripping me up. What is God up to? Why isn’t he responding how I expect him to? He can give us what we need; why doesn’t he? I know He sees our pressing needs. Sigh :(.

Having faith in what I don’t see is where I’m at these days. I’m still hoping for restoration of family relationships. My heart has love ready for more little ones. Yet, here I wait to give a forever home to orphans while God gives me a different assignment. Everyday, I wait to hear news of how my family and friends have come to faith in Jesus.  And then there’s our Old Faithful van. She has issues. But we have to keep her.

I don’t see the answers I’m hoping for in any of these situations. But I trust God is working in each one.

I have faith in what I don’t see because my hope is in the God I know intimately. My faith does not rest on the hope of a desired outcome. For people and circumstances change. But God says in Malachi 3:6, “I the Lord do not change”. His promises, His character, His power, and His love in unchanging.

This kind of faith takes strenuous effort. It isn’t about believing when things are in our favor. Rather, it is taking God at His Word and trusting Him to the point of obedience. Even when we are challenged at every side and can’t see how things will turn out. It is easy to have faith in God when life is good. But we won’t discover what or who our faith is in until the twists and turns of life tests our hearts’ true devotion. Having faith in what we don’t see means we are fully committed to God regardless of our circumstances. We believe in Him for who He is, not what we can get from him.

Consider the important relationships in your life right now. Do you have the individuals in mind? Okay, here are some questions for you.

Are you committed to them only when they do everything to your liking? Do you stop loving them and quit the relationship when things are not going well? Relationships are hard. People change. They do hurtful things. But we don’t stop loving them. If we are fully committed to the relationships, we keep working things out. We keep praying. We keep hoping for better things to come. We do these things because we genuinely love them.

If we will do this for people, why wouldn’t we do it for God? Faith in God brings us into a one on one relationship with Him. We get to know Him intimately and understand his character. We know He can be trusted all the time. Even in turbulent times, we have faith in what we don’t see because we trust that God loves us deeply. We believe He has plans to bring us good and not harm because this is what he tells us in Jeremiah 29:11.

Having faith in what we don’t see makes the hard of life bearable. Because our faith rests in Jesus, the one who has overcome death to live again, we know there is hope in even the most impossible situation. If Jesus loves us enough to die for us, is there anything else he would not do for us? When we put our faith in Him, we have a living hope because he is a living God. In Him, we can be sure of what we hope for and certain of the things we don’t yet see as it is written in Hebrews 11:1.

So we keep believing. We have faith in what we don’t see. This kind of faith pleases God. As a result, He is working right now to do greater and grander things for us than we can ever imagine for ourselves. God will remove barriers, open doors, provide exceedingly, and perform miracles when we believe. In Him alone. 


Posted in Christian Living, faith, Suffering | Leave a comment

God! Where Are You?

IMG00357It is a Friday afternoon in late October, damp and chilly to the bones. I’m enjoying a brisk walk to the doctor’s office from work for my first ever prenatal visit. I am eager and anxious. How weird to think I’m going to be a mom! Will I know what to do? How will my life change? Am I going to get fat? How will my marriage change? Who will the baby look like?

My mind is racing as I wait impatiently for the midwife.

Half an hour passes. Then forty five minutes. Finally, my name is called and I follow the midwife to a room. Blood pressure is good. Weight is fine. Urine test done. She checks for the baby’s heartbeat on my belly. Nothing. She keeps listening a few more minutes. Still nothing. “Let’s try a sonogram”, she says. “It will give us a clearer picture.”

I watch the midwife’s face as she performs the sonogram. She is calm, but I can see her alarmed expression. I am uncomfortable. Something feels wrong. She continues the sonogram a little while longer before turning off the machine.

“I’m sorry. I can’t find a heartbeat. You don’t have a viable pregnancy.” said the midwife nonchalantly.

“Are you sure?” I asked. “I have pregnancy symptoms so how can I not be pregnant?”

“Yes, I’m certain. Your body thinks you are still pregnant, but the baby has no heartbeat.”

And with those words she excused herself, leaving me in the examining room to swallow the news. I choke on tears (even now as I write). How can this be? Why is this happening? Am I dreaming? God? God? It can’t be true? God! Where are you?

The midwife finally returns and explains what will happen next. A procedure is scheduled to end the pregnancy. I can’t think clearly. Her lips are moving, but I can’t comprehend anything she says. I want to crawl into a corner and cry. Somehow, I manage to hold back screaming emotions because it seems ridiculous to break down right then and there.

A little later, I leave the doctor’s office and step out into the cold, uninviting rain. The scenes around me are blurred and foggy through ocean-filled eyes. I can’t contain my emotions any longer. Confusing and overpowering thoughts wage war in my mind until the rage within me screams, “God! Where are you? Why is this happening? The midwife must be wrong. Machines are not perfect. You can save my baby God! I know you can. Please. Please. Let this not be true!

I saw the midwife Friday afternoon. At 1:30 Monday morning, my husband rushes me to the ER where I would deliver my baby hours later. After receiving two pints of blood from the miscarriage and surgery, I stayed in the hospital for four days. My body didn’t heal properly, so I had another surgical procedure two months after the first. It would take over six months for me to recover physically. Emotionally, I am a wreck. I weep more and harder than ever. My faith in God is shattering to pieces with each passing day.

God! Where are you? Are you even real? Do you really care about me? If you are real, you could have kept my baby alive. Why didn’t you? Maybe, you are not as powerful as I believed, or you would have intervened and spare me the agony. I don’t understand. Why? Why did you not answer my pleas? Why?

You are not a good God! You are not real! You are powerless? I have believed in vain!

So begins my search for God and what it means to have faith. I wrestle with Him day and night. I thought I knew Him well. Turns out I am wrong. I can’t be comforted because I am angry with God. Strangely enough, I continue to pray and go to church. I wanted answers. I needed to understand why things happened as they did. In my pain and anger, I didn’t turn against God. In fact, I turned to Him more than ever before. I kept asking, “God! Where are you?”

I didn’t want to believe in God any longer, but I couldn’t stop seeking Him. Maybe it’s because He didn’t leave me alone. He kept sending Christians to show me His love. Every time I doubted, God would let me know He is present. A card, a call, or a visit from a friend comes at just the right time I needed hope. Hearing stories of others who have suffered or are suffering encouraged me to keep my faith. The evidence of God’s presence with me was undeniable. It sustained and carried me through my most unbearable pain.

I don’t remember when I stopped asking, “God! Where are you?” But eventually I did. Because each time I called Him, God showed up. He was with me through every hard moment in the following three years, before I conceived again.

Friends, you may be asking, “God! Where are you?” You may be disheartened by the suffering and seemingly unanswered prayers for yourself and/or the people you love. Maybe, you are questioning God’s goodness and power as I have. It’s okay. God expects us to have questions when we are hurting and suffering. He understands our unbelief and anger. He is not surprised by them. Actually, he invites us to come to him with our questions, doubts, and disappointments. For when we seek Him with all our hearts, we will find Him. This is God’s promise for you and me, found in the Bible from the book of Jeremiah 29:13.

So go ahead and ask the tough questions. But come to God, not yourself or others for answers. For only through understanding Him and knowing Him more intimately, will you find the peace and hope to move beyond pain and suffering when they come.

Posted in faith, Suffering | 5 Comments